I like your sleeves.

Mom: Meg! Look at this picture from my wedding!
Me: Wow...are those the bridesmaids?
Mom: Yup! Don't you love the dresses?
Me: Yeah...especially the sleeves. (Sarcasm)
Mom: Oh because of the puffy shoulders?
Me: Sure.
Mom: That was the look back then!
Me: Mmmhmm.
Mom: Whatever...at least the hats are cute.

Dear Heartbreaker,

Although I am very gratful for opening a store close to home, I feel as though I've been cheating on Uptown with Southdale Square. Coming to see you was a breath of fresh (smoggy, polluted, smoky) air.
I'll tell you something, though, Heartbreaker, it is not cool when we find a sweet spot right in front of you and pop a couple quarters in the meter, only to be tapped by a little Audi TT trying to cheat the metering system by parking in between two paying cars. But it's okay, I don't blame you. We made up for it by filling up the meter and walking to Old Chicago in protest to Rich TT Lady who apparently can afford a very expensive car, but can't spare a few quarters.
Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for providing me with new, adorable jeans that were 50% off. Although I don't think I'll ever truly understand your sizing, I've come to think of it as a surprise when I try on your jeans. "Surprise! Size 00 fits you in this style" and then two pairs later "Wow! I never knew I was a size 14 in the same brand."

Thank you Heartbreaker, say hi to the kids for me, and have a happy new year.

Love,
Muffin

Highlights Of A Muffin Family Christmas

Our 4'8" dear grandma Joan who, after two sips of Franzia, apologizes for her being "dumb" and insists that "it's all an act kids!"

A series of newly 21 year olds, sharing drunken stories of being of age, as they awkwardly take sips of their Coke. Various relatives continue to enter the room telling them that they are the reason they got vodka this year and to "drink up".

Enough velvet furniture to put a decent person over the edge.

Women in dress suits that blended with the curtains in the background, and their husbands decked in complimenting sweaters.

On the last grocery run, a forty-something woman who ran into the giant revolving door next to me, gave me a nice arm slap and exclaimed, "Dontchyah ever notice how whenever you look like just CRAP all the guys are lookin' atchya and then when you look GREAT they want NUTHIN' to do with ya?! ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH?? (another arm slap)".

And of course, my pride and joy, a new Starbucks travel mug, with a suction-seal lid so that it can't spill. She's red and beautiful, complete with carabeiner handle clip. It's about the features people.


Happy Politically Correct Holidays.

Remedy From The Heart...Or Mystery Meds?

Why is it that when I get really sick and Dr. R puts me on a 5 day antibiotic that's supposed to blow any infection from my system to pieces, it does nothing; yet when Mom makes me chicken noodle soup, I feel better?

When I was little, Santa was never a true reality due to 3 older siblings. So I developed this theory in my 7 year old head that parents went to a secret class when they had kids where they learned how to put the presents out, hide Easter baskets, and steal our teeth during the pitch of the night without us waking up. The magic soup has rekindled these memories, along with new suspicions.

I Hope Steven Gets Fat

While looking at an online photo journal of a friend...we'll call her Susie.

Steven: Damn, Susie is getting fat.
Me (slap): SHUT UP!
Steven: WHAT? Its true!
Me: You're soo mean! Don't say that!
Steven: You say that now, but then she gets fatter and you're gunna be like "Damn....we should have said something back then."

Meet Leaky

Leaky is a snow globe that we've had upward of 10 years now, but within the past 3 or 4, he seems to be slowly losing water from his bubble. How? We do not know. Leaky now resides on a coffee table with a window view on a coaster.

His Life, Accomplished

While driving by our local elementary school, where there is an ice cream social going on..

Me: Oh the Ice Cream Social..those were always such a flop when we were there.
Steven: Yeah, if I ever own an elementary school, during our ice cream socials, there's going to be an open bar for the parents.

A Life, Accomplished

If I die today, I would feel as though I had passed on my wisdom on some degree.

While getting ready for a funeral, Steven came into my room..

Steven: Hey Meg..can you wear a dress jacket with non-dress pants?
Me: It depends..
>He steps into the light, and to my horror, he is wearing navy blue dress pants with a black button up shirt and black blazer.
Me: absolutely not. No. Never. Not like that. Go take it off. Now.
Steven: Why?
Me: Steven, do not, EVER wear navy and black. Ever. Always remember that.

He comes to find me a few moments wearing brown corduroys.

An Open Letter To The Future Me

Dear Future Me,

I want you to remember this letter, when you are old and grey, and remember not to do the following things, although by then, you will be even more wickedly stubborn, and will do all of them despite this. Oh well, you deserve it now, you stale muffin.

1. Do not buy an unreal amount of hat boxes. You should not, and will not have hats to put in them.
2. Your grandchildren do not like rutabagas or parsnips, no matter how good you think they are.
3. Do not buy black, pleather Reebok sneakers, no matter how good for your arches they are, or how many pairs they have at TJ Max.
4. Do not buy a matching outfit that is cadet blue and involves cuff-gathering and/or a turtle neck. If you should slip on this or #3, do not, under any circumstances, wear them together.
5. It is still not okay to paint your fingernails gold.
6. Stop trying to understand computers, you're old and will not get it. Or, depending on technological advances, stop trying to understand how to run your new jet pack.
7. Don't buy ugly curtains. Remember what you thought was ugly in 2005, and remember that its probably still ugly.
8. Still get a real Christmas tree this year, no matter how much it hurts future husband's back to carry it.
9. Do not buy your granddaughter a horse light switch plate for her 13th birthday, a string of horse lights for her 14th, a tee shirt with a giant horse on it for her 15th, and a wrought iron model horse for her sweet 16. She stopped liking horses by her 9th.
10. Tip big.

I hope you'll take all of this into consideration at your elderly age.

Best of Wishes,

You

I'll Take A Carton

Coming from an unknown origin, my friends sometimes call me "Meggo" as a sort of embarrassing nickname. In the car today, Alex used it when asking me a question, but we were interrupted by Kristof, because apparently, in France, a "meggo" is the butt of a cigarette. Cute.

This One's For You, Deb.

Have you ever noticed that every single time you go into the dentist, while they get their nasty, tooth scratching, death tools ready, they ask you the exact same questions every time? Its ALWAYS about the weather, no matter what season. Spring: "Ah, so the rain's still comin' down pretty hard..huh?" Summer: "Still pretty hot out? Its just KILLING my lawn!" Fall: "Gettin' pretty chilly out, isn't it...time to dig up the jackets for the kids..." and then on a day like today.."How was the drive over here? It was pretty slippery this morning..". They always manage to slip in their two cents with their passive-aggressive attitude about how "they've been inside allll day and so they don't know the temperature" and therefore, must ask you.
Today, I was getting a cavity filled and after a couple novocain injections, I felt oddly open to my dental hygienist, Deb. I told her all about my morning at the U of M research center, although I think she was a little turned off when I told her I gave a dead pig stitches. The conversation was recovered when I brought up the huge diversity of people in Dinkytown, and how interesting the area is. However, I did develop a small shoulder chip when they began to file my teeth. I was reminded of how much I truly despise the smell of tooth clippings, as well as my deep hatred towards the feeling of cotton balls, especially when they put them in my mouth.

From A Company That Employs Kids As Young As 14.

Recently, our managers have been on our cases at work about leaving cups of soda around the kitchen, because apparently they fall over, and people "slip, get hurt, and then we have to call 911 and cover their shift". They tried to enforce "chug it and dump it" where we just gulp down 20 oz of bubbly soda in seconds, but that didn't go over so well. And of course, working around ovens doesn't make for a cool breeze for hours at a time, so still, full cups are left places.
However, I walked into work the other day to one of my coworkers drinking out of a double shot glass. I first questioned his chemical dependence on alcohol, but was then informed that this is the solution to our "drinking problems" at work. Pun intended. We're to use the plastic double shots from here on out whenever we're thirsty.

Synonyms...Kind Of.

In France, he spells his name Kristof, and I was in denial until just now that I should spell it that way. Its growing on me. So he's Kristof, the FES--formerly known as Christof.

Alex (host sister): Kristof, PLEASE leave me alone I'm trying to write an essay.
Kris: No. I'm deconcentrating you.




Kris: [flailing wrist] What is this?
Alex: Waving?
Kris: No...THIS [Points to wrist]
Alex: Wrist?
Kris: No! [points again]
Alex: Joint?
Kris: Umm..no..I think it is...an...articulation?

The 3 Most Frightening Moments In The Past 24 Hours

1. After turning off my lamp last night, the glowing head of a bear was floating in the corner of my room. After seeing my entire life flash before my eyes, I realized it was the DoodleBear I got Sadie for Christmas. (Let me bring you back to 1993ish if you don't remember DoodleBear. Its a stuffed animal bear that you draw on. The old commercial was a revamp on a James Brown song. Since then, apparently they glow in the dark.) Does that make it less creepy? Absolutely not.

2. I saw a Hormel Chili commercial who's slogan was "Hormel Chili...Goes On Everything". It involved the everyday food of towns people miraculously changing into a can of Hormel Chili with Beans.
Dear Hormel Inc.-
Your chili doesn't go with everything.
Love, Me.

3. Mom was sifting through some old files on her computer and stumbled upon a memory or two. To be more specific, a recording of Steven and I making fart noises at ages four and five. After a few solid laughs, she informed us that we actually formatted the recording to play when she closed a specific file and she happened to close that file for the first time while on the phone with a client.

Katie Hawkins?

>>"Charlie Brown Christmas" starts on TV...

Mom: Aww...I wish Katie** and Lauren* were here to watch it with us!
Me: Katie?
Mom: Crap. Sadie*.
Me: Wow...
Mom: I'm watching The Apprentice.


*My nieces, her granddaughters.
**Unknown.

Out Like Nalgenes

Steven: You know what I think, Meg?
Me: What?
Steven: When iPods go out of style, they'll REALLY go out. Like...people are just going to suddenly stop buying them. It'll be just like Nalgenes.

Public Service Announcement.

Consider this free advertisement for www.pandora.com (and also an official notice that blogspot and I are in fight due to him not letting me use the bold, italic, or link features)

Pandora.com is a sweet site that a friend of mine tipped me off to. You enter a band or song that you're into, and it will look at the stats or "genes" of the song to create a radio station of songs that according to that band or song, you'd like. Whatever song it comes up with, you can say that you don't like it and will alter the station with each song you accept or reject. Its considered the "Music Genome Project". Its totally free, and completely legal (psh..like that'd stop you guys anyways..)because you can't access the songs as MP3's.

"Four Stars" -Me.

In The Lead

Number of velvet jumpsuits Mom tried to make me buy last night (including the ones that "slipped" into the pile of dressing room clothes): 2,909,493 (Approximate)

Number Bought: 0 (Exact)

Score:

Megan: 1
Mom: 0