All dogs, fish, rabbits and hamsters go to Heaven, I go to Hell.

You may remember Ham. After re-reading this post, I had forgotten about those five days that he went without food*. And I'm telling you that Ham has set a new record- seven days. After driving by a pet store on Thursday and Mother was all, "We should stop and get some bowl cleaner for your fish." and then my eyes bugged so far out of my head they landed on my lap. And after I pushed them back in, the tears welled up and all of the pets I've killed over the years were coming back to me (JumpJump, I just didn't know you were under the cage! Pepper, I'm sorry I forgot to unplug the Christmas tree! Etc..**).

Mother nobly drove me to St. Paul and went to my room to see if it was a save or flush situation. And she walked out of that building, coffee jar in hand with the tiniest beta fish you ever saw swimming around like nothing happened.
It was like a scene from Ladder 49, except less John Travolta.

*It was natural for me to say "food and water" here, but the guy had water. He lives in water. That's like me saying I couldn't go a week without food or air. He had water. I'm a bad pet owner, but not that bad.
**Does it worry you that there is an etcetera at the end of that sentence? Don't leave your children with me.