Just Like An Eagle Scout

This Muffin I know went camping last night. She spent the night under the stars cooking hot dogs by a homemade campfire (log-cabin-with-a-tepee-inside style). She went in the woods using the other kind of T.P. and got burrs stuck on her bum. She used Off for campers in the deep woods and made friends with the mosquitoes that flew around her but not on her, except for the one that bit the under of her big toe. She freaked out once when a june bug the size of her thumb landed on her leg, but otherwise tallied zero meltdowns.

Trendy iClothes and Choppy iHaircut Included

Having a clean, white, aesthetically appealing computer is just one giant perk of Macs. I know you, Mr. Mac-Hater. They're just pretty and that sells to this materialistic culture. True. I'm presently blogging via OS X, which has joined muffins, balsamic vinaigrette dressing, and office supplies on my list of top 18 favorite things. At the Mac store today, Steveo and I played with iLife, a totally rock and roll program where you can edit all your media, and hook up to iWeb- a blogging program. Blogger and I have gotten close, despite our linking, picture posting, and bolding dilemmas, we've made it over some pretty rocky roads. But can I simply drag a picture from a file to a post? Could I make a custom color for this page? Or put a video clip right {here} if I wanted? The internet is a beautiful place for rhetorics. Aside from the fact that I'm a right click whore, I'm ready to convert.
On a completely unrelated note, when making a new bookmark for this page, I accidentally saved at http://bananaloaf.blogpot.com. A deadly in-an-ironic-sort-of-way mistake.

Fashion 911, A Non-Truth.

There is no such thing as urgent mail from Cosmopolitan.

I Live A Good Life Because In Hell, I Am Forced To Host Parties

Number of:

Old people who said, "I didn't even recognize you! I haven't seen you since...Oh Lordy! I can't even...": 4
Times I hid from people: 6
Stress-related meltdowns: 1
Crock-Pots: 7
Crock-Pots with uncooked beans which were still served and eaten: 1
Times someone asked if the stress-rash was sunburn: 2
Cousins I have who I can't remember if her name is Emily or Ellie: 1
Times I heard this conversation from a 6, 9, and 10 year old sibling set:
6: I'm a jedi master.
9: My name is Carly.
10: What animal do I look like?
6: A giant eyeball.
10: A lemur? Say lemur!
6: I look like a jedi master.
9: You look like an eyeball.
Enough to make my head pound.

Bob's Zit

A story* by Muffin in an undated time, approximately the third grade.

Once upon a time there was a guy. But this was no ordinary guy, this was Bob. Bob would go through many difficulties and greaticulties. This was a difficulty.
One day as Bob got out of the shower and went in to his room, he went over to the radio and turned it on. To Bob's surprise, the radio burst into song singing, "Cheddar, get down baby, cheddar!" It was Bob's favorite band, The Moldy Cheese singing his favorite song, "Cheddar". Bob was so thrilled he decided to dress to the tune. As Bob unraveled his teddy towel, he got out his special edition under-dog undies and began to up them on in front of his mirror, when all of the sudden, Bob felt as though he was in a horror movie. He noticed an incredibly large, cherry-red bump on the left side of his butt. Bob did not understand. He has always taken such good care of his beloved butt. Bob needed advice, and fast. He called for his pet chameleon, Fred. Fred came loafing (!) into the room, saw Bob's butt, and loafed out.
Bob sat down in his lazy boy chair and began to cry. Bob cried and cried for about ten minutes until his brain worked up a plan. He would call his friend Tutti. He picked up the phone and dialed. As the phone rang, bob tried to sniffle away all his tears and the mucus that had gathered in the back of his throat. Someone picked up the ringing phone and Bob started sobbing. Bob finally finished with "And I need your help!" He waited for an answer from who he thought was Tutti. "You must want Tutti." said the voice. Bob felt so embarrassed he wanted to cry all over again.


*I've always loved writing, but grew up with little writing endurance. I started many a story, but never finished, as exemplified here.

Addition

In the past week, many additions have been added to various parts of the world.
This is how I will catch you up on my absent, non-blogging behaviors.

1. A bug the size of a small finger has been added to the list of things Colleen has eaten recently (along with a Mancala bead, an olive pit, and a carnation).
2. Blister fluid was added to my face for a period of time. The blister was not my own and apparently squeezing and popping is not an affective way to drain lest you wish it's juice in your eyes.
3. A new friendship bracelet. While others weaved thirty strings together in elaborate patterns, I tied a piece of green floss around my wrist. I'm a simplest.
4. More freckles, which, after extensive research, I have concluded are not prevented by sunscreen.
5. An increasing pile of evidence at my anti-outdoors-edness which is nearing the kid who quoted this:
Enters blow up obstacle course. Makes it over hill, through pillars. Gets to top of second hill when he falls, in attempt to get through the tunnel at the end.
"My pants! They're falling off!"
Flailing.
"My pants!!"
Second pair starts race and gets over second hill where Indoor Kid is stuck trying to pull up his pants and cannot get through the tunnel.
"Dude you're still in here?"
"Just give me a second!"
"Come onnnn"
"My pants!"
Rolls out of tunnel.
"I'm kind of an indoor kid.."

Motivation

I Would Give You Context, But Nothing Can Save This

"I hope you don't mind that I have...genitalia."
Blink.
"Wait..I meant..herpes...you know...of the genitals..?"
Blink.
"Okay I have a serious question."
"Okay."
"Do girls have genitalia?"

Nice To Meet You, You're Copper.

It's true that new friends think you're more funny than:
1. The friends you've had for years
2. People on the street/strangers
3. You probably are

It's really only a matter of time before the sympathy laugh dies down and they realize they don't have to tell me..erhm..you that you're good at DDR. This game was not meant for those with poor balance.

When I Fall Off The Boat, I Will Float, Perhaps In A Moat.

Truth: I do not own many articles of clothing which are pink.

It's not that I don't like the color. I do. My walls were a high-gloss bubble gum pink until I was 13. But I have been told that I am somewhat of an "anti-pink" when it comes to wearing it. So as my little way of sticking it to the man, should I suddenly fall into a lake, the U.S. coast guard approves my new pink life jacket. It shall float me.

Things I Learned At The Wedding Last Night

1. I never want to dance to "My Humps" with my father again.
2. It's weird when the extended family finds out about the blog. Especially when some aunts begin to yell "Hey! Blog this!!!" as they invent a new dance move.
3. 4 am is not an hour to be awake at.
4. It's a bit oxy-moronic that the best tequila has worms in the bottom.
5. I never want to dance to "My Humps" with my father again.

Things I Thought This Morning, A Drama

Momma: Hey, uh, hun..there's a man here. You should get up.

Errhmmmm...? Eye slits open

Momma: He's putting in a cable and needs to get into the crawl space in your closet...

Errhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

(Man enters)

Aghh! I try to figure out if my dream about the friends I dined with last night making fun of my sheets was real as a tall man starts to take my things out of my closet, steps on top of my stack of dirty clothes and puts closet stuffings on top of me. Feelings of violation begin.

Man: Now there might be some dust and insulation and stuff that might come outta here, so just to, uh, you know let you know. He avoids eye contact

Rolls over. Dies.
Scene.

Anti-P.D.P. (Public Displays of Patriotism)

Fireworks are too loud.
While having an BBQ dinner with The Family Moodie, Colleen shared my distaste by exclaiming that it "reminded her of 'Nam" and proceeded to take cover under her arms.
What do booming tubes of fire and colors have to do with independence other than that between my hearing and rest of self?
It's 10:30 and I am going to bed.
Happy Freakin' Fourth of July.