Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Get Rich Or Die Of Old Age

Steven: Hey Mom...wanna play me in Halo?
Mom: Umm...Sure...
S: Okay here...now push this button to shoot, and use this to walk
>>Beeping
S: No, the other one
>>Beep
S: Nope..the green one
>>Beep
(Steven gets up)
S: THIS one
M: Oh! Okay. You know this would be much easier with my glasses...
S: The buttons are pretty big mom
M: Still...
S: Okay anyways, see these dots? Yours are blue, you need to keep all of these and shoot the guys to keep yours. Mine are red.
M: Are they all mine?
S: Yeah.
(Starts game)
M: How do I move?
S: This
M: Right.
S: Okay go.
M: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! ITS SHAKING! OH MY GOSH WHAT'S GOING ON!?!?!
S: You died.
M: Oh. Okay. (Player wanders around lost)
S: Okay I'm going to come up to level two and help you.
M: WHO'S THAT? THEIR GUNNA KILL ME!!!
S: That's me.
M: Their dots are blue.
>>Game player talks from TV
M: Shut up.


And last night...
Kanye is on Barbara Walters talking about his rap music.

Dad: Oohhh...like Fifty Cents...huh, Meg?
Me: Wow..
Dad: Feh-ee Cents?
Me: Nope.
Dad: Fifty C-eh-ntzz?
Me: No.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Tripping Billies

On my Mom's calendar in the bathroom, the following is listed for last weekend:
November 25th: Dave S. (S for Simpson...as in going bowling with her brother)
November 26th: Dave M. (M for Matthews...as in the concert)

I'm glad to know that Uncle Dave and Dave the Dave are on the same playing field. Although somehow, I can't really see ol' Uncle Dave jamming out to Rapunzel on the Guitar....But I guess I can't really see Dave Matthews hitting pins with my Mom.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Donde Esta Regular Christmas Songs?

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas music a LOT...I mean, I was illegally listening to the Christmas Superstation a week or so before Thanksgiving. And hey, I'm all for the cultural remixes. With the exception of the one I heard tonight; "Donde Esta Santa Clause?" performed by a Hispanic boy who couldn't have had more than 8 years under his belt. I won't go into too many details, but it involved replacing Blitzen with "Poncho" and Doner with "Pedro".

Ouch.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Things I'm NOT Thankful For

When out for her birthday dinner at a Chinese restaurant, Mom thought it'd be fun to teach the grandparents about the old "in bed" trick when you get a fortune cookie. You know..where you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune? Something my mother shouldn't know about anyways, and then shouldn't tell her hard of hearing parents about in a public place, if at all.

Imagine all of the following being yelled in the dining room of a small Chinese restaurant by a series of elderly people.

"There is in the worst of fortunes the best chance of a happy ending...in bed"

"Where there is no vision, the people perish...in bed."

"Politeness costs nothing and gains everything..in bed."

"The thing I fear most is fear...in bed"

"There is no shame in failure- only in quitting....in bed."

These are the same grandparents whose answering machine is "Thanks for calling Sally and Wally, leave a message after the tone, by golly".

Insert sound of dirty boot stomping my childhood memories to a pulp.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Hey Mom...Guess where I am right now?

Up until Sunday, the most impulsive thing I'd ever done was probably subscribe to Cosmo and Marie Claire by way of a 2-for-1 deal.
But I adopted a celebrity status for November 20th by making a spontaneous trip to NYC for the day. A friend of mines mom works for Northwest and gets discounted tickets, and my friend had never been.
Some highlights were...
-H&M..I bought something red because I own(ed) nothing red.
-D.M. Babar...Our cab driver who honked at everything with a pulse, and cones.
-Not falling over in the subway.
-Meeting someone that was in the World Trade Center on September 11th
-First Class..My first time and totally the icing on the cake...although I do regret not taking advantage of "the restrooms at the front of the aircraft which are reserved for our first class passengers". I think the only time I've EVER not peed on a flight. Why, bladder? Why?

We were back in the bubble by 10:30 pm, absolutely exhausted. But I guess that tops a years' worth of magazines I don't read.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Cultures, Confused

I walked into the kitchen of a friends house last night, and Christophe was blotting his hand with a paper towel..

Me: Chris are you bleeding?
Chris: Ah, yes, but it is okay.
Me: Oh what happened?
Chris: I was..ah...doing..[begins to make hand movement]...
Me: Drawing?
Chris: Um..yes!
Me: Oh...really?
Chris: Yes..the..[begins to sound out something I can't decipher]
Me: Were you drawing with like charcoal or something?
Chris: YES! What is the word? Say again.
Me: Charcoal?
Chris: Yes! Cha-col.
Me: Uh..yup!

So I walk into the other room and come back a few minutes later to Eric in the kitchen with Chris...

Eric: Meg, what the hell did you tell Chris that air hockey was?
Me: Oh. Crap.

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Results Are In

For the past year or so, I've found myself involved in a personal debate between toothpaste the paste and toothpaste the gel (toothgel doesn't feel right). I never really had a preference, but decided that I needed to take some sort of stand on the issue. Because my brothers and I have always shared an inter-sibling community tube of toothpaste, it never really mattered if it was paste or gel, because just finding the tube was the issue. But after a recent trip to the dentist, Dr.T told me that my tooth sensitivity could be a result of the toothpaste I'm using and should stay away from tartar control, whitening formula, and baking soda. Low and behold, I got home to investigate my paste and found that I was using none other than Colgate Advanced Whitening with Tartar Control. I looked under the sink for a possible plain old tube, and found one, only to see that the expiration date (who knew?) was January of 2001. So I ventured to trusty ol' Target and inspected the tooth aisle like nobodies business. All natural, 8 hour protection, BubbleMint, Baking Soda and Peroxide Fresh Stripe, Glitter Paste, Simply White, Luminous Smile, and everything in between. Stuffed in the back right on the bottom shelf was just plain old Colgate, and in the back left on the bottom shelf; plain old Crest. In two varieties, and the ultimate decision, Paste or Gel. After much debate, I decided on gel because my last was paste. After a few uses, I saw the goopy mess that gel really is. It gets everywhere, stains, and I think actually produces about 700% more saliva mess in your mouth.
So, Paste it is.
And as for the Paste with Gel Stripe feature?
Well my friend, that's one for the ages.

This Is SO Not Happening.

Velvet (Noun) [veL-vit]: A fabric which should forever be laid to rest with the past two decades.

Mom: Megan, you really need to start developing a liking towards velvet..!
Me: Why?
Mom: Because its SO coming back!
Me: No, Mom. No.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Sweet Caroline..Ba Ba Bum...No? Nothing? Right Then.

Charlie: What?! NO! The ONE day that I decide to wear a suit the most annoying republican ever decides to wear one also!
Dan: Neil Diamond!?
>Pause
>>Hysterical laughter
>Pause
>>Realization that Dan is 100% serious.
Me: Dan..Do you even know who Neil Diamond is?
Dan: Um. I guess not.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

We Have Nothing to Fear

But Fear Itself.

I was talking to Christophe tonight, and he brought me to this realization that Americans are afraid of everything. Its actually pretty shocking at everything we fear. We fear commitment and marriage, then comes the fear of having kids and being a parent, which comes with the fear of responsibility, so giving life is scary right? But wait, isn't the number one fear of a huge percent of Americans death? Then we fear things like going to the mall by ourselves that we might get abducted by some sort of fugitive, but we're too afraid to stay in our houses all day, because we fear loneliness. Germs are scary. Some of us don't even drink tap water because its not as sanitary as the bottled stuff. If we drop, say, a spoon on the floor, we immediately go get a new one, or if its food, we throw it away. But we all know that using that spoon won't kill us, or even make us sick. We fear getting cavities or having yellow teeth, but then go home and brush them so strenuously that it actually causes more cavities. We're afraid of our health and get medicine for everything, but don't want to take it because it might give us something else. We drink Diet Coke to keep a trim figure, but it has cancer causing carcinogens, which we're also afraid of.
Chris thought it was insane that his host sister actually wanted a new glass of water when there was one sitting on her dresser, just because it had been there for a couple of days. He didn't think twice when he pocketed a small piece of fur that he found on the ground when he went on a walk.

Why are we so afraid?!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Thou Shall Not Steal

Went to get communion at church this morning.
Came back to seat.
Mittens gone.
Emotionally stricken.
Send help.
And Tissues.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

And I Quote

A recap on my day with Colleen.

We had lunch at Qdoba today, and were sitting down at table where there was one of those table ads for the restaurant. It was for Qdoba catering and said "Easy enough to feed more than 100, good enough to want to".
Conversation goes as follows:
Colleen: Meg, I don't get it.
Me: Well, Qdoba caters so-
Colleen: Ohhhhh!
Me: Do you really get it now or did you just make that noise so I'd think you got it?
Colleen: I just made that noise. I still don't get it.

Post Qdoba, we walked across the parking lot to this store that sells all the stuff you see Paris dress her dog in. We walked in to the tiny store where small dogs were wandering around barking loudly. We were towards the back of the store when I heard an awfully close bark. I look at Colleen.
Me: Colleen...Did you just bark?
Colleen: Yes.

After getting Starbucks, we went to Len Druskin and tried on ridiculously expensive jeans. And at stores like this, commission-paid employees follow you around like children asking you your name, if they can get you a cold beverage, what size you are, and if they can take more things back to your dressing room for you. Since we never buy anything when we go, we decided that this time, we'd give them fake names just for the hell of it.
Nate (Our L.D. helper): Hey! Can I take some of that stuff for you?
Colleen: Sure!
Nate: And what was your name?
Colleen: Oh...uhh...(literally, 10 seconds passes)...umm..Colleen...uhh..sorry..

After three strikes, we go back to her house to watch TV, apparently unfit for public display. Happily settled on I Love The 80's 1984, they showed a news clip of Tom Brokaw talking about Ronald Reagan.
Me: Oh look! Tom Brokaw!
Colleen: Aw..Rest in peace Tom!
Me: Colleen..He's not dead...He just retired.
Colleen: Oh. Right.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Thanks Steveo, For Spreading The Sick

Steven, my brother, acquired some sort of nasty, achey, sneezy, coughy, snotty, blurred vision cold and has taken to spreading it throughout the family. I went to school today, and noticed my voice going in and out of noise all day. During Lit today, I thought I'd participate and share what elements artists use in romanticism paintings.

The Plan:
Me: "Symbolism"
Mrs.B: "Good!"

What Happened:
Me: "--IM-zm" (The hyphen represents where there was no noise and just strange lip movements.)
Class: "HAHAHA!"
Mrs.B: "HAHAHA!"
Me: ----

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

And He Saw That It Was Good

Did it happen with Jurassic Park? No. Did it happen with Captain Crunch? No. Did it happen with The Land Before Time? Hell no. But Tootsie Roll Industries has done it. They have created the first ever sequel that was better than the original.
In 1949, Warner-Lambert Company developed Junior Mints.
C'mon- you know, the nasty white mint cream covered in chocolate?
Yes.
I knew you knew.
Anyways, in 1993, the Warner-Lambert Company was bought out by Tootsie Roll Industries, giving them the rights to Sugar Daddy, Sugar Baby, Charleston Chew, and Junior Mints.
Yesterday at work, I was cleaning up after a group that used our party room for a Birthday. While filling the napkin holders and stacking cups, I spied with my little eye a treat bag filled with candy. I hid it in my bag behind the washing machine and brought it home that night. At 12:30, when I was getting into bed, I saw the yellow happy face bag sticking out of my purse. I opened it, not expecting to want any candy after midnight (what was I thinking?) but the familiar white box caught my eye, because it did not say "Junior Mints" in that green font, but instead, "Junior Caramels". I opened it and popped one in my mouth, my expectations low. The chocolate was soft but not meltly, and the caramel dripped out just as the chocolate shell cracked. It was love at first bite.

Thank you Tootsie Roll Industries, you have made these past 56 years worth while.