Shrt Pst. Because there simply isn't time for vowels.

I enjoy short posts. They are sweet, and to-the-point. I am one of thousands of people who enjoy my dose of daily Dooce, but I'm telling you, if you miss a day, you get behind fast. Real fast.
So, to make up for my more than a week's absence, I will share with you this:

There are two full body plastic skeletons in my anatomy classroom. I found out today that their names are Ram the Destroyer and Lunchbox.

Empire Waste Belts Give Girl Stomach Ache

Things that blew my mind today:

1. Finding out from someone that at one point, people in the shipping department of the office I work at had fun.
   
2. Having brother answer the phone "[Insert company title] This is Mike".* I feel like I should make an appointment.
   
3. "Everyone can find one [new Victoria's Secret bra] they like. Sexy, romantic, or glam. Satin, lace or embroidered!" -Karolina, Victoria's Secret Angel. Thank you, Karolina. Now I will take the free underware no purchase necessary coupon you mailed to my father's name and cash it in when at the same time, I will ask them to change the spelling of your name and that of your friend Izabel also.
   

*This is very much unlike the times that my dad answers the phone with the name of the funeral home he used to work at, or "Joe's bar, this is Joe."** when I call.
**My dad's name is not Joe.

What's This? A "Make Me Feel Uncomfortable! It's Easy!" Sign on My Back?

Have you ever met a laugher? One who laughs at social situations which do not have a laughing obligation tagged on to them? I feel like the laugher I know wouldn't even laugh at a fart joke, but cracks up every time she compliments my outfit or work ethic.
The real itchy-noggin comes in when I'm walking around the office with Stacey, the petite Mandarin woman who says "Thanks you" and "vroom vroom" for vacuum, Laugher starts up a conversation without even a smile. Of course then Stacey proceeds to list off all of the cleaning tasks she'll do while I vroom vroom, then she grabs my wrist and smiles as if to say "we're in this together, fellow woman in the real working world!" but she just can't get that out. And I bite my lip, and try to teach the Laugher a lesson.

Giraffes + Coffee = True Love?

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

(Via Sri)

Intoxicating

Cleaning your room is fun for several reasons:

1. You will, undoubtedly find 40+ bobby pins. And of course, you have recently invested in a 90 pack because you thought they were all gone into the abyss.
   
2. You can avoid the post-football season syndrome where Father resorts to flipping between Nascar and golf.
   
3. You may reminisce on the phase in which you labeled everything. Because damnit, if someone finds my hole-punch, they will call the phone number written on it.
   
4. If your room is especially dirty, you can think about the rhyme "baritone saxophone" for hours while listening to The Goo Goo Dolls.
   

Just Kidding About That Second Part

Nothing spells Valentines Day like walking into Starbucks at 8:30 in the evening while they're marking down pink mugs and heart-shaped chocolate.

Or accidentally clicking on the link for how to properly site sources in research analysis essays when you're trying to get to the blogs.

Unintentional Beauty

In a birthday card from niece Lauren, age three:

Cover: Something that resembles a worm covered in thorns, or a blob which was victim of a porcupine attack. Most likely a birthday cake.

Inside: She has her mother print her thoughts:
"I'm coming to see you. -Lauren"

I Would Like to Propose Something.

There is no cure for Blog Block like a two day public school strategic roadmap advisory task force meeting. I had to resist every temptation I had to wear a superheroesque uniform to adequately demonstrate how I felt about being part of a "Task Force". At each table of about seven people, there was a dish of chocolaty confections, at which each adult stared at tempting themselves while I happily ate my body weight in Dove hearts, as one needs a constant intake of sugar to withstand something that mindnumbingly boring.
Educators have a tendency to bring up only scholastic issues when put in great numbers in small confined spaces. They laugh at jokes about class size and the correlation between "life time education" and "E-85".
Oh. Haha.
How topical.
Vom.

It's sort of fascinating how a room of some forty adults during the lunch break is very much like eating in a high school cafeteria. Everybody wants to be at the table with the intellectual entertainers, while the opinionated borings eat alone, suffering the consequences of voicing their over-passionate opinions in previous discussions. By the time everyone is fooded, someone is bound to begin the Queen pound-pound-clap chant, and in all of the energized excitement, someone on the yearbook committee takes snapshots of moments nobody truly wants to remember.

Good Morning, Sunshine

It's fun when you're emailing at 6:50 in the morning and have a blank stare at the blaring screen when all of the sudden you look down and written on the corner of an overcrowded post-it is "dumbo pottysniffer".
Now that's a good morning for everybody.

Full Circle Day of Tears: Part III

Dear Muffin [Right Hand] Mitten,

Thank you for being warm and endearingly pilled and nappy.
Thank you letting Alex find you in his basement, all alone.
Thank you for returning yourself in the form of a wrapped present.
Thank you for not being lost in the abyss of the U of M parking ramp or recreational aquatic center.
Thank you for coming back to Lefty, who was widowed without your companionship.
Sorry you fell out of your safety that one night when we watched that one movie where I got the characters confused because there were so many affairs.

-Muffin Sr.

Farts, Etcetera

Vacations suck for several reasons. Mainly, because when you get back, you soon realize that it's not okay to interpretive dance "math book" or announce your farts. And instead of being near those who appreciate the dutch oven, you're surrounded by people who cannot appreciate that you like to be the one to flip the calendar page at the turn of a new month.

Ending in Tears: Day II

Is that a tear? Or just a bit of snowflake in my eye?
Both acceptable on your last early morning with first graders, when you walk the room (5 minutes late, as usual. Why show up on time now?) and a dozen seven year old boys are making you cards. Every one of them skipped up to me, handed them over, and then ran away and watched my reaction from a distance.
By the numbers:
3 with American flags
3 Snowmen
1 Pyramid
1 Barfing robot
1 Giant book on a rainbow road
1 Pool with me jumping in on one side and a squirrel on the other.
1 That just says "Josh"
And my favorite, not that a teacher should choose favorites, is one by the cutest child in 287.
This lovely card opens backwards, and there are six stars of David on the cover. The inside reads "it wuss the funist with you you are osom to: megan from: nicos"

And it was worth it to wake up at 6:30 every morning. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sob awhile.

I Need an E-Shoulder to Catch My Real Tears. Seriously.

I didn't want to worry you before I had to, but it has come to this.
I've lost one of my muffin mittens.
Last seen sometime Saturdayish.
Very understanding friends and family have tried to help, and even went to Urban last night in search of new mittens. We came home with the cousin mittens which are brown and have pink felt bows.
Dumb bows.
If I left one of my children at the U of M campus, the solution would not be to adopt his cousins for $8, even if I could detach his bow face and sew on a muffin face.
Tears.
Sob.
Weep.

Entrepreneurial Spirits

McKaylah: [Age 6.5, Grand entrance, approx. 15 minutes tardy] "I have fabulous news everybody"
Everybody: [Composite Age 75] "What's that?"
McKaylah: "I'm getting starting a new job." Because man, my last job paid peanuts and the manager was a controlling poop-face. And I have to put tea on the table for 6 dolls.
Everybody: "?"
McKaylah: "I'm opening a restaurant. And a hair salon. And a music place. And I already have a band for the music place."
Mr. Super Teach: "Well when everything's ready, I'll have to come eat at your restaurant okay?"
McKaylah: "Yup, and y'know what? Customers don't even have to pay if they don't want to."
MST: "Well it's a good thing you're here in math to work on your numbers."
McKaylah: "YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY!"
Muffin: "Hey McKaylah, if you have three restaurants and then open three more, how many do you have?"
McKaylah: "Six!"
Muffin: "Good! Okay and if you have six and I close down three, how many do you have now?"
McKaylah: "Why are you closing down my restaurants?"

Pumping Iron to Lift a 75 lb Machine and Plotting my Exit Strategy

I sacrificed Saturday morning yoga to go to work today. So instead of spending money for silence, cashed in on silence. I think that four hours in a printing room is quite like yoga, actually. Instead of flexibility, you're tested on how long you can stand without feeling dizzy and how long your patience with the automatic stapler/folder machine can be stretched before you reenact the scene from Office Space with the copier.

I'm Not Saying I'm Dying

I have a feeling, that if I were lying on my death bed, my new manager Paul and his ego would ask me to come in to pack diet pills and vacuum clean floors. Then, once I got there, I would make mental post-its of things to do as soon as I finished whatever I was doing. Like pick up packing peanut pieces (alliteration! yay!) as soon as I was done emptying empty trash cans and putting supplementary clean bags in them. Ego Paul would then rattle off a list of things I already know to do, delete my mental notes, save me no time to grab the real check list, later criticize me for not picking up the packing peanut pieces, and then lecture me on the importance of the check list.
Ego Paul, do you think I do not know the benefits of a checklist?
I know the benefits of a checklist.
I know.

Project Milk

• It is quaint to have your milk delivered every Monday morning: True.
• Every time I think about John, our former milk man who moved up to Corporate, I smile: True.
• Every time we get a note from Gary, the new milkman, just a novice in the world of dairy delivery, I think of his potential and smile as well: True.
• It is realistic for a three person household to have six gallons of milk in the house at one point in time, and expect it to not go to waste: False.

I'm working on a technology that allows me to pump milk through the monitor, into cyberspace, and straight to you, Mister Interweb Surfer, lest I first turn into a complete solid of 1000% bone density.

1st Day Back From Break Reveals Small Person Tendencies

"Every time I go in the bath, I pee." -Weston age thicks ana haf.

Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines in Pieces on the Ground

Things I'm sick of:

1. Not wanting to do laundry. I love laundry!
2. Dreaming about sleeping poorly.
3. Dreaming about waking up.
4. Trying to cut back on coffee. Maybe this has to do with the previous.
5. Winter. I long for the muggy, rainy aura of spring.
6. Having that one sad James Taylor song stuck in my head.

Fewer Fears in '07

Last year's resolution came out as successful as I think one can get in 365 days. I can produce sound, not a rich, song-like sound, but nonetheless, sound. If I could find the computer mic, I would record it to prove all you non-believers wrong.

This year?
Be less afraid.
And cross legs less.