They Take Me Wisdom

That's right, I've traded all four pieces of my wisdom in exchange for twenty vicodin. I can no longer guide your lives or give out advice beyond this:
1. Ice is cold.
2. Blood tastes bad.
3. Two vicodin are better than one

Keeping Rosie Busy

Watching a mother give her child away to college is similar to what I imagine a very trusty robot malfunctioning as some cruel source sprays water on her mechanisms. The result is performing the everyday tasks over and over again.

Maybe I Had To Look Up The Planet List For This Post, Maybe I Didn't

What?! My world shakes! "Astrophysicists" should have a subtitle line on their business cards that reads "Childhood Killers" followed by a consolation hotline number when they do things like delete a planet. Pluto of all planets! That's the cute, small one! If they're going to get rid of a planet they should consider Mercury or Neptune. Nobody remembers Neptune. Maybe even take Uranus off the record.

Do you like that?
Uranus.
Like butt.
Butt's funny.

Discomfort, Defined.

Things that turn my comfort zone into a landing pad for the suck helicopter:

1. I survived camping enough to get in the car to go home and drop my lifeless phone into a cup of water. Turns out they don't warranty for clumsiness.
2. I got to the cabin just in time to babysit* a 3 year old cousin. To say the least, taking care of small children is not exactly* my forte, and falls just under my ability to tame elephants or time travel. I killed her sunfish that she caught and witnessed her first eulogy as she threw Sunfish back in the lake "so that for the bigger fish can eat him." She thanked him for being a good fish and for being our pet in the blue bucket which was left in the sun. Next to Wormy.
3. A man driving the Naked juice truck around town without his shirt on.
4. Getting pictures taken.
5. This post.


*Suggested words of spell check:
Babysit: Babysat, Pabst
Exaclty: ejaculate, ejaculates, ejaculated, ejaculating, ejaculation, ejaculations

[Insert Sentence Fragment Here]

Agreement in my personal dictionary of indecisiveness and fear is something followed loosely, providing me ample time to flake away from a decision or think through something I neglected earlier along the line.
Apparently, I "agreed" to go camping. This weekend. In the rain. In Ely where a town nearby suffered from 40 degree nights not so many nights ago. In August. The site is one which has slipped under the state park radar (translates: not an actual camp site) and has no "fire pit" or "open ground for tents". It's an island with no "bear control". And bears, apparently, can swim. Who knew? Not this one when she agreed.

When I freeze to death-
No.
When I get mauled by a bear-
No.
When my frozen carcass is eaten by Smoky the fire-preventing bear, please donate my remains to Body Worlds. At least when I go, I'll feel as though I'm part of some sort of elite club.

Major In Royalty, Minor in Communications

If all goes according to plan, and I eventually fulfill my obligation to the throne of Queen of the World, I will send an open letter to the world that goes a little something like this:

Dear People of the World,
Stop leaving.
It is no longer allowed here, as I, your queen, hate the good bye.
Thank you for your cooperation,
Queen Muffin

For Lack Of Blog-Worthy Experiences, Immaturities Exposed Here

"I wish we'd brought more dessert-like things"
"Oh we brought Poppycock."
"..."

"I'm Telling You She Doesn't Like Cantaloupe! If She Says She Does I'll Run Naked Around Your Property." -Uncle Mr. O

Walking into my humble home last night to find the frater playing with his new Magic Bullet to make "the greatest nectarine infused margarita ever" as he spills the Cuervo and asks what a nectarine is. In his 22nd year, this is a more acceptable behavior than what he got away with in high school, thanks to the traditional, Midwestern parenting skills where children abide by the legal system. My lack of posts has been the direct result of time spent at the internet-less cabin with cousins in town from Connecticut where rules aren't particularly rules until the cops come. Coming to the great land of Minny-sood-ah where they make up their own "You know you're in Minnesota when.." as the are directly affected and make up social security numbers to get their fishing licenses.
"Why are you bothering to get that kid a fishing license?"
"Because my kid drinks and smokes pot and if he's gunna go fishing, he's gunna catch a fuckin' legal fish."

Baby Book-Less AND Advice-Less! Youngest Child Treated Better Now Than Ever!

Funny* how one can come in third of the three waterskiing children for the duration of her three year waterskiing career. Also funny how she has received little advice from her bigger, better, balanced brothers as she has spent the last two years trying to successfully slalom without a faceplant-barrel roll combination.
"What are you doing?"
"Putting on my skis"
"They're on the wrong feet."
"Nuh-uh."
"Yup."
"No."
"You ski just like Steven and I and I'm telling you, you're supposed to be dropping your right ski."
"Fine. I try."

She skis. She drops. She slaloms. She flushes time down the pooper. Crap.



*See: not funny.

Why I've Started Carrying Around A Full Sized Notebook

"Dibs on the one [Olson twin] that doesn't have anorexia"
"Good. I like Mary Kate better anyways."
"Seriously?"
"Yes! She has problems. That's quirky. It makes her more real."
"..."
"She's like, 'I'm not above everyone. I do crack. And that's fine.'"
"..."
"The other one's boring!! No problems! That's not real!"
"Didn't she go to college?"
"Whatever."

Time Passes Here.

"Okay I have a confession to make. Sometimes I'm only funny so that I can be on your blog."
"I know."
"Crap."

And They Didn't Even Have Brakes

Roller blading is more fun when:
-You know where you are.
-It's not 10 pm.
-It's not a lightning storm with rain on the way.
-Your destination doesn't appear to be in some sort of alternate galaxy abyss not known to mankind.
-You don't break down on the phone with a very understanding, direction-wise friend.
-The mercury is not above the 100 degree level and you're only wearing jeans because you could only find wrist guards and not knee pads.
-By the time you get to where you're going you can't even eat the chocolate cake that just came out of the oven.