Empire Waste Belts Give Girl Stomach Ache

Things that blew my mind today:

1. Finding out from someone that at one point, people in the shipping department of the office I work at had fun.
   
2. Having brother answer the phone "[Insert company title] This is Mike".* I feel like I should make an appointment.
   
3. "Everyone can find one [new Victoria's Secret bra] they like. Sexy, romantic, or glam. Satin, lace or embroidered!" -Karolina, Victoria's Secret Angel. Thank you, Karolina. Now I will take the free underware no purchase necessary coupon you mailed to my father's name and cash it in when at the same time, I will ask them to change the spelling of your name and that of your friend Izabel also.
   

*This is very much unlike the times that my dad answers the phone with the name of the funeral home he used to work at, or "Joe's bar, this is Joe."** when I call.
**My dad's name is not Joe.

What's This? A "Make Me Feel Uncomfortable! It's Easy!" Sign on My Back?

Have you ever met a laugher? One who laughs at social situations which do not have a laughing obligation tagged on to them? I feel like the laugher I know wouldn't even laugh at a fart joke, but cracks up every time she compliments my outfit or work ethic.
The real itchy-noggin comes in when I'm walking around the office with Stacey, the petite Mandarin woman who says "Thanks you" and "vroom vroom" for vacuum, Laugher starts up a conversation without even a smile. Of course then Stacey proceeds to list off all of the cleaning tasks she'll do while I vroom vroom, then she grabs my wrist and smiles as if to say "we're in this together, fellow woman in the real working world!" but she just can't get that out. And I bite my lip, and try to teach the Laugher a lesson.

Giraffes + Coffee = True Love?

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

(Via Sri)

Intoxicating

Cleaning your room is fun for several reasons:

1. You will, undoubtedly find 40+ bobby pins. And of course, you have recently invested in a 90 pack because you thought they were all gone into the abyss.
   
2. You can avoid the post-football season syndrome where Father resorts to flipping between Nascar and golf.
   
3. You may reminisce on the phase in which you labeled everything. Because damnit, if someone finds my hole-punch, they will call the phone number written on it.
   
4. If your room is especially dirty, you can think about the rhyme "baritone saxophone" for hours while listening to The Goo Goo Dolls.
   

Just Kidding About That Second Part

Nothing spells Valentines Day like walking into Starbucks at 8:30 in the evening while they're marking down pink mugs and heart-shaped chocolate.

Or accidentally clicking on the link for how to properly site sources in research analysis essays when you're trying to get to the blogs.

Unintentional Beauty

In a birthday card from niece Lauren, age three:

Cover: Something that resembles a worm covered in thorns, or a blob which was victim of a porcupine attack. Most likely a birthday cake.

Inside: She has her mother print her thoughts:
"I'm coming to see you. -Lauren"

I Would Like to Propose Something.

There is no cure for Blog Block like a two day public school strategic roadmap advisory task force meeting. I had to resist every temptation I had to wear a superheroesque uniform to adequately demonstrate how I felt about being part of a "Task Force". At each table of about seven people, there was a dish of chocolaty confections, at which each adult stared at tempting themselves while I happily ate my body weight in Dove hearts, as one needs a constant intake of sugar to withstand something that mindnumbingly boring.
Educators have a tendency to bring up only scholastic issues when put in great numbers in small confined spaces. They laugh at jokes about class size and the correlation between "life time education" and "E-85".
Oh. Haha.
How topical.
Vom.

It's sort of fascinating how a room of some forty adults during the lunch break is very much like eating in a high school cafeteria. Everybody wants to be at the table with the intellectual entertainers, while the opinionated borings eat alone, suffering the consequences of voicing their over-passionate opinions in previous discussions. By the time everyone is fooded, someone is bound to begin the Queen pound-pound-clap chant, and in all of the energized excitement, someone on the yearbook committee takes snapshots of moments nobody truly wants to remember.

Good Morning, Sunshine

It's fun when you're emailing at 6:50 in the morning and have a blank stare at the blaring screen when all of the sudden you look down and written on the corner of an overcrowded post-it is "dumbo pottysniffer".
Now that's a good morning for everybody.

Full Circle Day of Tears: Part III

Dear Muffin [Right Hand] Mitten,

Thank you for being warm and endearingly pilled and nappy.
Thank you letting Alex find you in his basement, all alone.
Thank you for returning yourself in the form of a wrapped present.
Thank you for not being lost in the abyss of the U of M parking ramp or recreational aquatic center.
Thank you for coming back to Lefty, who was widowed without your companionship.
Sorry you fell out of your safety that one night when we watched that one movie where I got the characters confused because there were so many affairs.

-Muffin Sr.

Farts, Etcetera

Vacations suck for several reasons. Mainly, because when you get back, you soon realize that it's not okay to interpretive dance "math book" or announce your farts. And instead of being near those who appreciate the dutch oven, you're surrounded by people who cannot appreciate that you like to be the one to flip the calendar page at the turn of a new month.